How Gundam SEED Should Have Gone
by Kashamuffin
Summary: Rewrites of scenes from every Gundam SEED episode that we feel missed their full comedic potential.  Co-written with JenWinstheQuidditch.
1. Phase 01: False Peace

Disclaimer: Shockingly, I do not own Gundam SEED

~Kira's School~

"Sure, there's nothing to worry about. Oh, they're close by, but our nation's neutral. Can't see Orb turning into a war zone," Tolle said.

Miriallia raised an eyebrow at her boyfriend, "Really? $20 says Orb _does_ become a war zone."

"Deal!"

As Kira watched his friends shake on it, he sighed. This did not bode well.

~Kira's Flashback~

"The PLANTS and Earth will see eye to eye. There will be no war," Athrun said, handing Birdie to Kira.

"$20 says there will be," Kira said challengingly.

"Really? We're seriously betting on whether or not a war will start?"

"Unless you're chicken!" Kira proceeded to make chicken sounds at Athrun. Birdie helped.

"I AM NOT A CHICKEN," sputtered Athrun. "Birdie, how could _you_ betray me like this? I sure hope this isn't foreshadowing how Kira will betray me in the future…" Kira and Birdie continued making chicken sounds until Athrun finally gave in screaming, "Alright, alright! Deal!"

"Pleasure doing business with you," Kira said, shaking Athrun's hand.

"Anyways, the evacuation doesn't mean a thing. You'll join me later at the PLANTS, right Kira?"

"Ha, no," said Kira, running away. "Thanks for the bird!"

~At the Professor's Lab~

"What's this all about?" Sai asked a passing person.

"I don't know," said the passing person Sai asked. The person behind was more helpful.

"We're under attack by ZAFT! Some of their mobile suits have entered the colony!"

"Ha! I win! You owe me $20!" Miriallia turned to Tolle, holding her hand out.

"Is this really the time?" Tolle asked disbelievingly.

"Yup. One of us could die and I want my money!"

"Fine," he sighed, handing over $20.

~Place Mobile Suits Are Made~

"Athrun?" Kira asked in surprise.

"Kira?" Athrun said, shocked with his knife still poised to kill the two people before him. "Gotta say, I was not expecting this…"

"Me neither…Long time no see."

"Yeah, haven't seen you since I gave you the bird and you ran away."

"Right…So, how've you been?"

"Well, you know, I got dragged into the war after the whole "Junius Seven" thing-"

"Wait, wait, wait! That totally reminds me; you owe me $20," Kira said accusingly. Athrun stared at him.

"Well, I mean, I didn't actually bring my wallet with me…I didn't exactly think I would need it…"

"Okay, this is getting ridiculous," said Murrue Ramius, raising her gun and shooting at the ZAFT soldier.

"Hey, watch it, that guy owes me money!" Kira exclaimed.


	2. Phase 02:  It's Name: Gundam

Disclaimer: There are many things we do not own. Gundam SEED is one of them.

~Secret Heliopolis Military Base~

"Alright, time to turn on this mobile suit's phase shift armor. I sure hope it's not red," Athrun thought.

He flipped the switch.

"Aw, poop. I hope this doesn't become a recurring theme."

~In the Cockpit of the Strike~

Murrue stared in awe as Kira successfully dodged the enemy's attack and countered it. "How did you-"

"I've played a lot of video games," Kira interrupted.

"Yeah, but-"

"A _lot_." Kira was at this point leaning over her, fiddling with the controls. "Geez, this console sucks!" Murrue blinked. This seemed like a strange way to refer to the controls of a military mobile suit, but the kid seemed to know what he was doing. Unfortunately, the enemy mobile suit was recovering quickly.

Kira sighed. "Okay, so I know you're a military person and all, but you clearly have no idea how to play this game, so could you move?"

"Yeah… this isn't a game…" she said, as Kira pushed her out of the way. "This is a real battle. If you don't take this seriously, we could both die–"

"Awesome, once you update the OS, this is just like that video game I played that one time with Ath– someone…" he finished shiftily.

Murrue sighed. "You're not even listening, are you?"

Kira blinked at her. "Sorry, did you say something?" he asked.

"You know what, just never mind," she said exasperatedly, hoping in her head that she wouldn't have to spend too much longer with this obviously ADD civilian.

~Meanwhile, in the Aegis~

"This is totally like that video game I played with Kira! Awesome," Athrun exclaimed joyfully, fiddling with the controls.

~In the Cockpit of the Strike. Again.~

Kira moved the Strike backwards, narrowly avoiding the explosion from Miguel's self-destructing mobile suit.

"Whoa! That was close," said Kira, shocked. "If that had been any closer, I could have died! I mean, I probably wouldn't actually _die_, but, you know, still…"

Murrue sighed. This kid sure did whine a lot.

~Gathered 'Round the Strike~

"Gimme a break. I mean, you had Kira driving it only a moment ago," Tolle grumbled.

Murrue pointed the gun at him. "We will never speak of that again," she said coldly.

Tolle rolled his eyes. "You're just jealous that Kira's better at piloting it than you."

Kira laughed victoriously. "Learn to play, n00b!"

Murrue sighed. She seemed to be doing that a lot lately.


	3. Phase 03: Collapsing Land

Disclaimer: Neither Gundam SEED alone, nor anything else we reference, belongs to us.

~Battle of Heliopolis~

"Wait! That's too-"Murrue yelled as Kira prepared to shoot.

BAM!

"Whoa!" Kira exclaimed as he blew a hole in Heliopolis. "Those are some realistic effects! This is the coolest game ever!"

~Still in Heliopolis~

"What a surprise," Mwu said as he walked over. "I'm Lieutenant Mwu LaFlaga of the seventh orbital fleet, at your service. It's an honour."

"Wait," Murrue started, "Moo? Like, like, a cow?"

"Um…Well, that's not how it's spelled, but I guess if that's how you want to remember it, then that'll work," Mwu said uncertainly.

"Wait wait, why are you guys talking about cows?" asked Tolle, turning his attention towards the military people.

"Cows?" Kira asked, excited. "I love cows! They're all like, mooooo!" He seemed very pleased with himself.

Mwu sighed. He was starting to despise this arrangement.

~STILL in Heliopolis~

"So tell me, you're a coordinator?" Mwu asked Kira.

There was a moment of tense silence…Until Tolle burst out laughing.

"What? You mean this guy?" Tolle said, pointing at Kira, laughing. "No way! Aren't coordinators supposed to be smart?"

"Obviously you haven't met Athrun…"Kira mumbled. Everyone ignored him.

Miriallia looked over at her still laughing boyfriend and rolled her eyes. "$20 says he is a coordinator."

Tolle instantly stopped laughing and looked at his girlfriend. "Deal!" They both turned to Kira, looking expectant.

"Well? Are you a coordinator or not?" Miriallia demanded.

"Um…I am?"

Miriallia smirked, holding out her hand expectantly.

"I have got to stop accepting her bets," Tolle grumbled, handing over the $20.

~On the Vesalius~

"You really saved my hide by bringing this back, Miguel," said Rau LeCreuset. "If I didn't have this as proof, I would have been a laughing stock for allowing my unit to get damaged in a battle against a mobile suit of the Earth forces."

"But sir," interrupted a random green-uniformed soldier, "you already _are_ a laughing stock!"

Rau twitched, pulled out his gun, and shot the soldier.

"Now, as I was saying…"

~On the Archangel~

"So what are we gonna do with those kids?" Mwu asked.

"Well, personally, I think a stew would be lovely," Natarle said. "Civilian Stew is a specialty of mine."

Murrue and Mwu stared at her.

"Lieutenant Badgiruel, are you suggesting that we eat them?" Murrue asked in shock.

"…No?"

~A Few Minutes Later~

"Why don't you pilot it this time Lieutenant LaFlaga?" suggested Natarle.

Mwu raised an eyebrow. "What, are you crazy? Do you know who I am?" he said in disbelief. "I'm Mwu freakin' LaFlaga. I don't pilot mobile_ suits_." He looked at Murrue. "I pilot mobile _armour_," he said, winking roguishly, giving her what he clearly thought was a winning smile.

Murrue and Natarle exchanged a look.

~On the Archangel~

"You people aren't being fair" Kira said angrily.

Murrue raised an eyebrow. "So what's your suggestion then? We go tell Rau LeCreuset that he's not being _fair_ attacking us in the middle of a war?" Murrue asked in disbelief.

Kira rolled his eyes. "Yes," he exclaimed, like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

Murrue sighed.

~In the Air Above Heliopolis~

"MIGUEL!" yelled Athrun.

"…AND TULIO!" added random civilian #27.

~Battle at Heliopolis…Again~

"Kira, Kira Yamato."

Kira gasped.

"So it is you. Isn't it, Kira?"

"…No."

"Oh, well…this is awkward…Can you tell me where Kira is?"

"Only joking, I am Kira!"

"Oh! You got me!" Athrun laughed.

Kira paused. "Wait…Athrun? Athrun Zala?"

"No."

"Nice try Athrun. That only ever works on you."

"Dagnabbit!"

"What is this, why are you here?"

"You should talk. What do you think you're doing in that thing?" Athrun asked angrily. "You're always copying me! Ever since we were kids! Geez!"

Just then, Heliopolis was destroyed.

"Kira, no!" Athrun yelled as Kira was sucked out into space.

"Don't think I've forgotten about that $20, Athrun!"

Athrun paused. "What was that Kira? I think our connection's breaking up!" He then proceeded to make static sounds all the way back to the Vesalius.

"Real mature, Athrun," Kira grumbled.


	4. Phase 04: Silent Run

Disclaimer: We STILL don't own Gundam SEED or anything we reference.

~The Location Formerly Known as Heliopolis~

"X-105 Strike, please respond."

"X-105 Strike, can you hear me?"

"Please respond."

"X-105 Strike, can you hear me?"

Kira slammed down the button. "Oh my god, shut up! Yes, I can hear you, but I'm a little busy freaking out right now!"

~On the Archangel~

"What was that? Hold on a minute, who gave you the authorization?" Natarle asked angrily.

"What's the situation Ensign Badgiruel?" Murrue asked.

"The Strike has returned to the ship, however, it seems to be accompanied by one of the life boats." Lieutenant Badgiruel turned back to her screen.

"The Archangel is no position to be accepting refuges at the moment, we're still in combat."

There was a pause.

"What?"

Another pause. Mwu and Murrue started staring at her.

"Bonus points? What the hell are talking about, Yamato?"

Murrue gawked, "He's still on about that whole 'game' thing?"

~Archangel Docking Area~

"Please, tell me what happened to Heliopolis. What was going on? What happened there in the end?" Flay asked.

"Uh…I actually have no clue. I was talking to a friend of mine and then Heliopolis was exploding, so…" Kira trailed off.

Flay looked at him in horror. "Heliopolis exploded?"

"What's with the third degree all of a sudden?" Kira asked defensively. "I mean, I'm the one who brought the life pod onto the ship; I'm the one that saved you. A little thanks would be appreciated!"

"What are you doing on the ship anyway?" Flay asked accusingly.

"What are _you_ doing on this ship?"

Flay blinked.

"Um, you _just_ said you were the person who brought the life pod onto the ship."

Kira hesitated. "Touché."

~Archangel Cafeteria~

Kira watched as Flay ran up to hug Sai. This almost made up for the fact that he didn't get any bonus points for rescuing the life pod.

Almost.

~Archangel Dorms~

"Huh? They're still doing what?" asked Flay, worriedly. "You mean we're less safe now that we're on board? Say it isn't so!"

"Dangit!" exclaimed Kira. "That would explain why I didn't get those bonus points!"

Everyone looked at him.

"Not the time, I guess."

~Meanwhile on the Vesalius~

"He fails to see he's being deceived by the naturals. Brilliant as he is, he's also naive and good-natured. They're exploiting him, but he's blind to it. That's why I have to go back, I have to reason with him," Athrun explained. "Kira is still a fellow coordinator. I'm positive he'll come around to our way of thinking."

Rau smirked. "$20 says he _won't _come around to our way of thinking."

"Sir, do you really think it's appropriate for us to be betting on something like this?" Athrun asked disbelievingly.

Rau continued smirking. "Unless, of course, you're chicken."

"I AM NOT CHICKEN!" Athrun yelled. "Why does everyone always say that?" He paused, seemingly remembering who he was speaking to. "…Sir."

"So you'll accept the bet?"

"It's on!"


	5. Phase 05: Phase Shift Down

Disclaimer: We don't own anything…Except for some half-thawed shrimp.

~Battle 'Round the Archangel~

"Kira, enough!" Athrun yelled angrily.

"Athrun…"

"What are you doing with the Earth forces? Why are you siding with the naturals? Tell me!"

"I am not part of the Earth forces," Kira said defensively. "I just really want my money back, and politely reminding you didn't seem to be doing any good. I was forced to take more drastic action."

Athrun paused. "Wait, so the only reason you're fighting is to get your $20?"

Kira shrugged. "That, and the fact that this is without a doubt the coolest game I have ever played in my entire life."

"I _know_, right?"

"Anyways, what are you doing with ZAFT? Why'd you get involved in the war?"

Athrun gasped. This was very traumatic.

"You used to tell me that you hated the whole idea of war. Also, I thought you hated red! So why did you-?"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa! I'm gonna stop you right there. I still hate red. I'm just _that_ devoted to the cause. "

~On the Outskirts of Kira and Yzak's Battle~

"Wow, this sure is conflicting," Athrun said to himself as he watched.

"Why is this conflicting?" Dearka's voice asked.

"Uhh…No reason," Athrun said, hastily turning off the com-link.

He really had to stop leaving that on.

~Still at the Battle 'Round the Archangel~

"Aw shit!" yelled Yzack.

"Yzak!" Athrun yelled as he went over to cover the Blitz's ears. "Not while Nichol's impressionable young ears are here to hear you!"

"Yeah!" Dearka chimed in. "We have to watch our damn mouths around this kid!"

"Dearka!" yelled Athrun.

"Whoops."

Nichol sighed. This happened every time.

~Battle 'Round the Vesalius~

As the Vesalius shot a laser towards the Archangel, Lieutenant Mwu LaFlaga stared.

"Whoa. Far out, man!" He paused, and then opened a com-link. "Okay, so, like, everyone else saw that, right?"

Murrue sighed.

~Aboard the Archangel~

"Message from Lieutenant LaFlaga," said a random soldier. "Prepare to deploy Launcher-Striker with the…catapult?"

"What?" Murrue asked, turning to face the soldier. "The catapult? That's _so_ medieval!"

~Approaching the Vesalius~

"No!" Kira shouted angrily. "I won't join ZAFT!"

"Kira, you don't understand!" Athrun yelled. "I've got $20 riding on this!"

"And does the person you've made this bet with know that you don't pay your bets?"

Athrun rolled his eyes. "You're _still_ not getting it! If I win this bet, I can pay you back!"

Kira paused. "That _is_ tempting…"

Just then, Mwu started an attack.

"Key, kid," Mwu said by way of greeting.

"Lieutenant LaFlaga!" He glanced back at Athrun. "So, I've gotta go, but you still owe me $20…'Kay bye!"

Athrun sighed. _So close!_

Something hit Athrun's mobile suit.

"Damn it!" Athrun yelled.

"Athrun!" yelled Nichol in shock, covering the Blitz's ears.

Dearka and Yzak laughed.

"Yeah, Athrun," Yzak added smugly. "Watch your mouth around his 'impressionable young ears'"

"I can hear you finger quotes from here," Athrun grumbled. Dearka was still laughing.


	6. Phase 06: The Vanishing Gundam

Disclaimer: Unfortunately, as of this moment, we still don't own Gundam SEED. Or anything else. At all. But stay tuned.

~Cafeteria of the Archangel~

"I've had it with you people," Murdoch said angrily as he was being shepherded into the room by an armed soldier. "Is this some kind of joke?"

The soldier laughed. "Yeah, totally. Watch this," he said, walking over to one of the refugees, a small child. "Hey kid, I'm gonna shoot your mom and make you watch." The child burst into tears. The soldier burst into a fit of laughter. "Funny, funny stuff…"

"You people are monsters!" Sai yelled angrily. There was a chorus of agreement from the others in the room, which ended abruptly when Kira burst out laughing.

"Oh my god, I get it," he gasped in between fits of giggles. Everyone stared at him.

~Artemis Commander Dude's Office~

"Think nothing of it," the Artemis commander dude said, interlacing his fingers. "As a matter of fact, I'm well acquainted with your illustrious name."

Mwu smiled amiably. "Well, thank you. I have made quite the name for myself, haven't I? After all, I _have_ won Earth Alliance Weekly's 'Most Charming Smile' award five times." He paused, laughing good-naturedly. Then, switching to a slightly more serious tone, he added, "But I don't talk about that. I didn't accomplish all my numerous military achievements by _smiling_ at the enemy." He chortled at his own wit.

The commander dude stared. "Well, that's not really what I was referring to, but whatever."

Murrue sighed.

~On the Vesalius~

"So what's the strategy then? Kick back 'till they come out?" Dearka said, laughing.

His stupid laugh angered Yzak.

"Stop clowning around, Dearka!" Yzak said angrily. "When the Commander gets back, do you want to be the one to tell him we weren't able to do anything?"

Dearka stopped laughing.

"We'd be totally humiliated." Yzak paused. "Just like Commander LeCreuset," he added as an afterthought.

Dearka stared at Yzak in abject horror. "No way am I hiding this face," he said pointing to his face, "behind a mask in shame!"

"Guys, I don't think that's why he wears a mask…"

"Shut up, Nichol! No one asked you!" Yzak and Dearka yelled.

Nichol sighed.

~Cafeteria of the Archangel~

"Cut it out!" Kira said, standing up in indignation. "You're just a bully!"

Everyone stared at him.

"What are you, five?" a little boy asked incredulously.

Author's Note:

Kashamuffin: So this chapter is really short.

JenWinstheQuidditch: But really, it's quite difficult to find things to make fun of. Other than the fact that Kira's acting like a brat the whole time, we mean.

Kashamuffin: If we have time during the week, we might write another chapter to make up for this one being so short.

JenWinstheQuidditch: Plus, Lacus shows up in the next one! Woo!

Kashamuffin: Yay!


	7. Phase 07: The Scar of Space

Disclaimer: We totally own Gundam SEED…also everything else we reference. Lol, jk.

~On the Vesalius~

"Beacon detection confirmed. Course correction 0.3 mark 16.2 delta. Turn about 180 degrees. Begin deceleration," said the captain.

Rau smirked. "Deceleration, eh? There's no such thing. We are merely beginning to accelerate in the opposite direction."

"Yes, of course…" The captain stammered. "But I only meant…"

"I wasn't aware that we had any naturals on board," Rau said, laughing at his own wit.

"Ooooh," said the rest of the crew.

"You just got served!" yelled a random green uniform soldier. "Physics style!"

The captain hung his head in shame while Rau high-fived the entire bridge crew.

~Shuttle Thing~

Rau and Athrun entered the shuttle to see Patrick Zala. Rau saluted. Athrun gasped.

"DADDY! You've come to love me!" He ran up to him and attempted to glomp him.

"Um, no," he replied, holding Athrun away at arm's length.

~PLANTS Supreme Council Room~

"To illustrate to you their phenomenal capabilities, I have here one of our pilots," Rau LeCreuset said. "He operated a machine and fought the last one that's still with the enemy. I'd like permission to have Athrun Zala brief you on the details."

"That's me!" Athrun yelled in surprise, jerking to attention.

"You haven't been listening to any of this meeting, have you?" Rau said in exasperation.

"Well…" Athrun began, "That's a very intriguing question, to which I have a very good and thoughtful answer that fully explains my actions, but right now, I have to go… um… What was it you said I have to do now?"

Rau sighed.

~On the Archangel~

"You really have a pension for bringing in things that have been left behind," said Ensign Badgiruel.

"Well, I killed those two guys in that Djinn, so I figured that saving a life pod would even out my score," Kira explained.

"No, that's stupid," said Lacus, coming out of the life pod.

"Aw, man…" whined Kira.

Authors' Note

Kashamuffin: So this chapter is kinda really short…

JenWinstheQuidditch: It's an awesome episode, but we couldn't really think of other things to write.

Kashamuffin: We'll try making them longer again, but no promises.

JenWinstheQuidditch: But really, you can't complain. This was two chapters in one week, and we'll be putting up another one on the weekend.

…GO TEAM ZALA!


	8. Phase 08: Songstress of the Enemy Forces

Disclaimer: We shall now disclaim to you that we own neither Gundam SEED nor anything else we reference.

~Archangel Docking Bay~

"Huh?" Lacus paused, noticing the Earth Alliance emblem on Kira's uniform. "My! It's pretty clear this isn't a ZAFT ship, is it?"

Everyone gasped.

Ensign Natarle Badgiruel facepalmed.

"Well don't blame me," Kira said defensively, looking around.

"I blame you," Badgiruel said evilly, pointing at him.

"Ack," he said, going to hide behind Lacus.

~In Kira's Room~

"Dear diary," Kira said to himself, writing in said diary. "Today, while I was standing in the hallway, Lacus waved at me."

As Mwu was walking through the hallway, he heard Kira saying what he was writing aloud. Curious, and slightly nosey, he stopped to listen.

"Pretty girls never wave at me. I wanted to say something really cool, or smooth to impress her, but I couldn't think of anything so I just ran away. Hopefully she interprets this as mysterious."

Mwu burst out laughing.

"Sit down, kid," he said, walking towards Kira. "I'll teach you everything I know about women. Rule number one; never tell a girl you like her. It makes you look like an idiot."

Kira wasn't seen for the next five hours.

~The Room Lacus is In~

"I don't know," Lacus answered. "I sincerely hope that the people from the Earth forces have calmed down and settled the matter diplomatically.

Murrue stared at her. "…I think you _seriously_ overestimate the rationality of the Earth Alliance forces…"

~In Front of the Vesalius~

"She's a well-loved idol," said Patrick Zala. "I'm counting on you, LeCreuset, Athrun."

They both saluted. He turned to leave, and then stopped. "One more thing," he said, turning back. "Athrun, while you were here, did you clean your room?"

"Of course," he replied, in a mildly affronted tone of voice.

Patrick narrowed his eyes. "I'm checking."

"Wait, no!"

~In the Cafeteria of the Archangel~

"No way! I'm not gonna go anywhere _near_ a coordinator," Fllay said angrily. "I'm too afraid."

"Ouch," Kira said from the doorway. "You do know I'm standing right here, eh?"

Fllay rolled her eyes. "I mean, like, a real coordinator."

"Oh, I see," said Kira, shrugging.

"Anyways, that girl is associated with ZAFT," she said, turning back to Miriallia. "Coordinators…They're not only smart, they're gifted in other things, like better reflexes. What would happen if I were attacked?" She turned to the rest of the group. "Right?"

"Seriously?" Kira asked incredulously. "You think that girl is gonna attack you?" He laughed. "Her little robot thing is more likely to attack you than she is! And her robot certainly isn't a coordinator!" He paused. "…Probably."

Fllay continued ranting for a little while.

"My," Lacus started, walking into the room. "Who's this really strong person you're talking about?"

"Was your father an alien? Cos honey, on planet earth there's nothing else like you," Kira yelled. He then turned red and ran out of the room.

Lacus looked after him questioningly. "The people on this ship are very strange, Haro…"

~Bridge of the Archangel~

"The endless challenges we face," Mwu continued, moving over to the railing. "A real treat, cap'n." He saluted lazily.

"Sarcasm noted and disregarded, Lieutenant," Captain Ramius replied.

Mwu pouted. "No one ever appreciates my witty satire," he mumbled.

~Lacus' Room~

"But so far you've been very kind to me," Lacus said with a smile. "I'm grateful."

Kira blushed. "So, does that mean you'll forget about the whole 'pickup line' thing earlier?"

"Don't even mention it," she said kindly.

""Good, because that might be kinda-"

"No," she stopped him, "Really. Don't mention it. Ever."

~Outside Lacus' Room~

"Is it that girl singing?" Sai asked. "What a beautiful voice. But I wonder, is that voice a result of fiddling around with her genes?"

Kira gasped. "I'm surprised at you, Sai! I find that racist!"

Sai blinked. "What? No, I mean because her singing voice sounds literally nothing like her speaking voice."

Kira paused. "Touché."

~On the Vesalius~

"I would hate to be laughed at by historians of future generation," Rau said.

"But sir," began a green-uniformed soldier. He was abruptly smacked in the head by the guy next to him.

"Shut up, Jefferey," he hissed. "Remember what happened to Fred?"

The other soldier fell silent.


	9. Phase 09: The Fading Light

Disclaimer: We don't own Gundam SEED. We have been that trail to find the owners and we think we found them…Rabid lions are in position of it right now, and we don't want to get in the middle of that, so…We don't own anything else either.

~Lacus' Room~

"Here's a question for you," Lacus said, poking her little pink toy. "Can you tell me where we're presently heading to, Haro? Well?"

"My oh my," exclaimed Haro, rolling around on the desk.

Lacus narrowed her eyes. "That didn't help at all," she yelled despairingly, standing up and throwing Haro across the room.

~Bridge of the Archangel~

"Once we link up, the Archangel will come under command of this vessel and we'll…" the general on the video screen stopped, noticing Murrue's water bottle. "I'm sorry, are you drinking while I'm talking to you? That is just so rude!"

Murrue blinked. "Um, sorry? I'm just kinda thirsty…"

"Here _I_ am helping your ship and all you can say is that you're _thirsty_? The nerve of kids these days! Put it down before we continue, young lady!"

Murrue stared then put down her drink.

"There. Was that really so hard? Anyways, back to business."

~Cockpit of the Strike~

"You're free to volunteer if you want to remain with the Earth forces," Murdoch said, turning to leave.

"Not a chance in hell," Kira muttered under his breath.

"What was that?" Murdoch called back.

"I SAID 'NO'," Kira shouted.

"Oh, okay then. Carry on!"

~In the Cockpit of the Aegis~

"Athrun, show us how that machine performs!" Yzak's voice came through the com-link.

"Sure," replied Athrun.

"Well, not with that attitude you won't!" Yzak said with a strangely out of character cheerfulness.

"Umm… What?"

"Come on, buck up, soldier! If you put your mind to it, there's nothing you can't accomplish! I believe in you Athrun, you're the best, man!"

"You're right, I _am_ awesome! Thanks, Yzak!" Athrun exclaimed, launching.

~Back on the Vesalius~

"What was all that about, Yzak?" Dearka asked, raising an eyebrow.

Yzak shrugged. "I'm sort of hoping that he'll become over-confident and die in battle."

Dearka smirked. "Yeah, that sounds more like you."

~Bridge of the 8th Fleet Ship with Fllay's Dad~

"We're being destroyed by our own machine that they stole?" George Allster asked incredulously. "Is there anything more ridiculous!"

"There is, actually," responded the general calmly. "We could send out a potted cactus armed with hummus and a bowler hat to hover between us and the enemy. Being unwilling to risk harming the cactus, they would be forced to retreat. We would then collect the cactus and eat the hummus."

George Allster stared. "Why wouldn't they want to harm the cactus?"

The general rolled his eyes. "It's a plant, isn't it?"

"I stand corrected. There _is_ something more ridiculous than being destroyed by our own machines that they stole."

The general was no longer paying attention to him. "Actually, that's not a bad plan. Someone find me a cactus, a bowler hat, and some hummus!"

~Loading Deck of the Archangel~

"There you are!" Murdoch said. "You're late!"

Kira shot him a condescending look. "A coordinator is never late, Murdoch. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to."

Murdoch rolled his eyes. "Yeah, whatever, just get in the mobile suit."

~Bridge of the Archangel~

"But listen!" Fllay protested. "He told me everything was going to be okay! He said in his own words it was because we'll be there!"

Sai sighed. "Fllay, coordinators are not only gifted at all that stuff you said earlier, but they are very gifted liars as well."

~Flashback to Two Months Ago~

"Kira, did you take my pencil?"

"…No."

"Really? Because I can see it in your hand."

"No, this is… my pencil."

"It has 'Sai' written on the side."

"…I wrote that there."

"_You_ wrote 'Sai' on the side of your pencil?"

"Yes, definitely."

"Why?"

"…Because… I love you?"

"Umm…. Whatever. Did you see who did take it?"

"Yeah… it was Miriallia."

"… CURSE YOU, MIRIALLIA!"

~End Flashback~

"I was mad at Miriallia until about a week ago when I finally decided to confront her about it. She said Kira had it the whole time. When I asked him, he admitted to it, and seemed shocked that I hadn't figured it out. The kid's a good liar." Sai paused. "And on top of that, he lost my pencil!"

Fllay blinked. "Um, we're talking about my problems right now, Sai."

"Oh right."

~The Battlefield~

"What monsters you are!" Athrun cried in disgust.

"Well, I'll give you Ensign Badgiruel…" Kira said, thoughtfully. "She did try to eat us when we came onboard…"

Athrun stopped. "…What?"

"Yeah, apparently she makes a mean civilian stew…"

"…_What_?"

Authors' Note:

Kashamuffin: We sure are writing a lot of these lately…Anyways, the main point of this is to tell you if you don't think that 'Sai sighed' is hilarious, read it out loud a few times, it'll grow on you...probably.

JenWinsTheQuidditch: Get it? Sai sighed? …'Cuz of how they sound the same? Is funny, yes?


	10. Phase 10: Separate Ways

Disclaimer: Alas, I fear we do not own Gundam SEED. Forsooth, we own nothing we reference.

~Battlefield~

"Using a rescued civilian as a hostage?" Athrun asked in disbelieving anger. "So do you still feel justified in fighting by their side with these cowards? KIRA!"

"Yes," Kira answered bluntly.

Athrun blinked. "Right…Anyways, I'm gonna rescue her. That's a promise."

"Really? 'Cause that sounds more like a challenge to me."

"…How does that sound even remotely like a challenge?"

"Well…it…whatever! Challenge accepted! $20 says _I'll _rescue her first!"

"What? It's _your_ side that's threatening her!" Athrun said accusingly.

"Still a chicken, I see," Kira mused in a rather loud and pointed manner.

"_DEAL!_"

~Archangel Docking Bay~

"What did they think they were doing?" Kira said, floating down to Mwu and Murdoch.

Mwu stared. "Threatening Lacus…I thought that was pretty apparent. See, you have to listen, Kira," he finished in a rather condescending tone.

"What monsters you are!" Kira shouted, floating away from them.

Murdoch and Mwu stared after him.

"What's got into him?"

~Fllay's Room~

"YOU'RE A LIAR!" Fllay shouted at Kira.

"I know, right?" Sai agreed emphatically.

Everyone stared.

"Maybe a different time," Miriallia suggested.

Fllay rounded back on Kira. "Why didn't you protect my dad's ship like you said you would!" She yelled.

"Oooooh," interjected Miriallia.

"Yeah, _I_ have bad timing," muttered Sai.

~In the Hallway… thing. Of the Archangel.~

"In fact," Lacus continued thoughtfully, "it doesn't matter if the door is locked. He always seems to open it and go out." She smiled reminiscently. "I remember this one time in jail, he-"

"Wait, jail?" Kira asked, shocked. "What did you do?"

"It's better if you don't know."

~Behind a Wall on the Archangel~

When Kuzzey woke up this morning, he decided that today would be a good day to practice his spying. So, he grabbed his uniform and began singing the Mission Impossible theme song. When he found Lacus and Kira together, he knew he had found his target. He flattened himself against the wall and strained his ears to hear what they were saying.

"Athrun Zala. He was in that mobile suit, the Aegis. Who would've ever dreamed he'd be piloting it," Kira said sadly.

"O, M, G!" Kuzzey exclaimed. "_Wait_ 'til everyone hears about this!" He paused, then smiled. "Wait 'til _Fllay_ hears about this! There'll be _so_ much drama!"

~In that Hallway Thing Again~

"Athrun Zala is the man I will eventually be marrying," Lacus explained with a smile.

Kira paled. "Crap. Don't tell Athrun about the whole 'pick-up line' thing, he's already pretty mad at me as it is…"

"What did I say about mentioning that _ever again_?" Lacus questioned, shockingly demonic for such a nice person.

"…Not to?" Kira cowered.

Lacus smiled sweetly. "Precisely."

~A Few Minutes Later in That Same Location~

"Although," Lacus said, picking up Mr. Pink, "it was very sweet of him to give me this Haro."

"Haro, Haro!"

"I told him how much pleasure it brought me having Haro around to keep me company, then he kept giving me another and another!"

~Lacus' Flashback~

"Thank you very much for this Haro," Lacus said, smiling sweetly as she accepted yet another Haro from Athrun. "Don't you think that maybe this is enough though?" she asked, gesturing to the swarm of Haros closing in on them.

"But, but, you said you liked it!" Athrun sputtered, upset.

Lacus sighed. "Never mind. It's lovely. Thank you."

Athrun smiled. _"Yeah, I am _such_ a ladies' man!" _he thought, pleased.

~Back to the Present~

Lacus paused. "And then he gave me another…and another…and another…_and _another…So many Haros…" She shuddered.

Kira pouted. "Why didn't I tell him I like Birdie?"

~Kira's Room~

"Birdie, birdie, birdie," Birdie chirped from his perch on Kira's shoulder.

"Third time this week!" yelled Kira's roommate, abruptly sitting up. "If you can't control that bird, it'll have to go!"

"She's _bored_," Kira explained. "She's used to flying around outside. If I could just let her out at night…"

His roommate stared. "Dude, we're in space. How do you plan on letting her out at night?"

Kira paused. "Good point…Well, good night."

~Archangel Docking Bay~

As Murdoch entered the room, he noticed Kira preparing to launch the Strike. "Hey, what are you doing?" he shouted angrily.

"I'm winning a bet!" Kira shouted back with determination.

"Ah, alright then," Murdoch said, turning to leave. "Wait a second…" he turned back, but the Strike was already gone. "Blast," he grumbled.

~In Space~

As Lacus arrived at the cockpit of the Aegis, Athrun noticed something and his eyes went wide. "What were you _doing_ over there?" he exclaimed, gesturing at her apparent pregnancy. Lacus rolled her eyes.

"Hey Athrun," Kira's voice started over the com-link. "I totally saved her first! You owe me $40 now!"

"…You know, if you came over to ZAFT, I could get you your money," Athrun said slyly.

"Ha, no," Kira said. He then turned around and flew back to the Archangel.

"Man!" Athrun whined. "Every time I try to get him to come with me somewhere!"

Authors' Note:

Kashamuffin: So we didn't write a chapter last weekend because _someone _had midterms…cough, cough, Jen, cough, cough.

JenWinsTheQuidditch: Sorry, I didn't think my professors would accept 'I had to write a chapter of my Gundam Seed fic' as an excuse for not studying…

Kashamuffin: Yes, well.


	11. Phase 11: The Awakening Sword

Disclaimer: We don't own Gundam SEED or anything else we reference. Where did you get that preposterous hypothesis? Did Steve tell you that perchance? Steve…

~On the Archangel~

"Why did you act without permission?" Murrue asked Kira, glaring over at him from behind her desk.

"I made a bet," Kira stated bluntly. "Also, I didn't rescue her so she could be used as a hostage."

"You're right about that," Mwu said jovially. "If anything, you could use her as a girlfriend."

Ensign Badgiruel jumped up in indignation. "Objection!"

"Your honour," Kira said, looking at Murrue, "it is apparent that my court-appointed defence is completely incompetent. I would like to call a mistrial."

"Normally I would agree, but I do _not _want to have to go through this again," Murrue stated determinedly.

Mwu scowled. "Well it's true," he muttered.

"Will the defense _please_ watch what he says," Murrue said pointedly. "There is sufficient proof that Kira Yamato's actions are in violation of military law. Article 3 section B, article 10 section F, and article 13 section 3. Therefore, said person is subject to the death penalty."

Kira paled and ran out of the room crying.

"Doesn't that only apply to someone in the military?" Mwu asked.

"Yeah, but he left before I could say anything… Someone should probably go tell him," Murrue finished thoughtfully.

~Hallway in the Archangel~

"I understand the pilot of the Aegis is a friend of yours," Sai said, turning to Kira.

Kira looked shocked. However, he quickly regained his composer and continued. "He's no friend of mine," he said darkly.

"Oh, really? Kuzzey said he was…"

"Well, he _was_, but that was before he owed me $40. He _never _pays off his bets!"

"Speaking of which, I have to go find Tolle. I bet him that you would save Lacus," Miriallia said thoughtfully.

Kira nodded and then, seemingly thinking of something, stopped. "Wait, so you only helped me save her to win a bet?"

"Yup," she said plainly.

"Wow. So am I the only one who helped save Lacus purely out of the goodness of my heart?" Sai asked disbelievingly.

Miriallia and Kira both turned to him.

"Yes," they said in unison.

~On the Vesalius~

"I found Mr. Yamato to be a kind individual," Lacus stated.

"He is _not_," Athrun said. "If he really was so 'kind', then he would let bygones be bygones and forget about the bets!"

Lacus sighed.

~Cafeteria of the Archangel~

"You fought the best you could," Fllay said apologetically.

Kira burst out laughing. Noticing her face, he stopped. "Oh. You were serious, huh?" He scratched his head, looking awkward. "I mean, yeah. I fought as hard as I could to defend…whatever it was that was out there…"

~Bridge of the Archangel~

"Mobile suit thermal patterns detected: the Blitz, the Buster, and the Duel."

"Damn it all," spat Ensign Badgiruel. "Ugh, and just moments before our rendezvous! Our tactical date is going to be ruined now."

Everyone stared at her. "What? This could be the real thing, people. After all, 'the flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all'!"

Murrue sighed. "I knew 'Disney Fridays on the Archangel' was a bad idea."

~A Hallway of the Archangel~

"He's fighting to protect us," Fllay explained to the small child.

"Really?"

"No," Fllay said, dropping the sweet smile. "That's just what he _says_. Can't trust coordinators. Their lot are exceptional liars. He _says_ he's gonna protect the ship, but we're probably all going to blow up!"

The girl burst into tears.

Fllay smiled sweetly, "Just kidding. Kira will do his best. Right?" she added, looking over at Kira.

"Yeah," he replied uncertainly. "Are you sure we're okay now? 'Cause you seem angry…"

~Launching Deck~

"Damn. Why'd they pick this moment to attack us?" Mwu asked, fastening his seatbelt. "I was in the middle of 'me-time'!"

Miriallia's voice came over the com-link. "But, Lieutenant, I get the impression that it's _always_ you time!"

"Right you are Miriallia, right you are. Mwu LaFlaga, launching!"

~Battlefield~

"Nichol, the legged ship is all yours," Yzak said in a slightly raised voice which may or may not be qualified as a yell (depending on your point of view, really).

"Really?" Nichol asked excitedly. "Golly! I've never had a whole ship before!"

"You idiot!" Yzak yelled. "I meant it's yours to _destroy_!"

"Oh," Nichol said, disappointed.

~Different Part of the Battlefield~

"Ugh!" Kira exclaimed in frustration, dodging yet another attack from the Duel. "What's the use of multi-player mode, if Mwu isn't even helping me with this?"

~On the Bridge of the Archangel~

"Random evasive manoeuvres!" Murrue commanded imperiously.

"Umm, captain, shouldn't you give some more specific commands than that?" asked a random soldier.

"No," she stated coldly. "Remember, 'no soldier wants to be a Squidward'. _You're_ being a Squidward…so, like, stop. Now, pull some levers, flip some switches, and, for the love of God, somebody push some buttons!"

~Another Section of the Battlefield~

"You're just a puny mobile armour, so get out of my way!" Dearka said, angrily.

"Woah, woah, woah!" Mwu said, offended. "Let's get this straight, kid. It's not the size that counts; it's what you do with it!"

"…I feel like we're talking about two different things here…"

~Cockpit of the Strike~

As Kira saw the Archangel being attacked, he suddenly found himself thinking about Fllay's Dad's ship exploding, Fllay, that little girl, and, inexplicably, a purple walnut that exploded into sparkles. "The Archangel," he said, seemingly finding a new resolve from within the walnut. "I won't let you destroy it!"

And with that, Kira saved the day.

~In the Cockpit of the Duel~

"It burns! It burns!" Yzak yelled, clutching his eye in pain.

"I _told_ you not to keep your Holy water in the cockpit!" came Dearka's exasperated voice over the com-link.

"Not the time, Dearka!"

~On the Archangel (no seriously, on_ top _of the Archangel)~

"No you're more than that," Lieutenant LaFlaga corrected himself, "you're unbelievable!"

"Oh, that? It was nothing, I just saved the whole ship," Kira said. "But, as I told Captain Ramius, my success is thanks to the countless hours I spent training with my video games. You know, this game is actually kind of hard, but I've gotta say, I'm pretty beast at this."

"That's great kid, but don't let your success on the battlefield go to your head. Fame is a fickle friend, Kira. Remember that."

Authors' Notes:

Kashamuffin: So, due to sickness, school, and overall laziness, we haven't been writing diligently lately.

JenWinstheQuidditch: …Well, goodnight!


	12. Phase 12: Fllay's Decision

Disclaimer: My inner eye is showing me that neither of us owns Gundam SEED or anything else we reference… Gosh darn it inner eye; always ruining my fun!

"I know military achievements are important," Lacus began solemnly, "but please, do not forget the victims; those who lost their lives."

"You have my word," said one Rau LeCreuset.

"And _my_ bow!" added a random soldier.

"And _my_ axe!" Athrun said proudly.

Lacus sighed. "See, this is why I can't have a serious conversation with you guys. Moving on, what is it one should be fighting against?"

"Orcs," said a random soldier.

"Sauron," said the guy next to him.

"Nazguls," said someone else.

"Guys, guys, guys, let's just say the forces of darkness," said Rau. There was a pause.

"Hooray! You're the greatest! You summed up our cause!" shouted all the soldiers.

"That's why _I'm _the captain!" Rau said smugly.

"You know what? I give up," Lacus said exasperatedly. "I'm leaving."

~Hallways of the Vesalius~

"Did you hear what happened to Yzak?" Rau asked.

"Oh, you mean at the party last week? Yeah, that was _so _sweet; I was there. In his defense, I'm pretty sure he was totally wasted, but still…" Athrun started laughing.

"Not that… Wait. Party? Why was I not issued an invitation?"

Athrun blinked. "I'm sorry Commander, but we wanted it to be a _good_ party."

"Athrun, you know the rules. No parties on the Vesalius... Unless Rau LeCreuset is invited!" Rau said while trying, and failing, to execute some hip new dance moves.

"So… No parties, then?"

There was a pause.

"You're gonna have to kill your best friend. ZING!" Rau floated off laughing, leaving Athrun to cry.

~In…SPACE~

As the Archangel was flying towards their destination, dramatic music was blasted throughout the ship.

"Is this really necessary, Captain?" asked some dude who probably _does_ have a name, but that name is unknown to us; the one that kinda looks like Spock.

"Are you questioning my leadership?" Murrue asked angrily.

"Little bit."

Just then, Kira passed by, dancing badly. "You're the coolest, Captain Ramius! This is my _jam_!"

"Thanks, Kira. It's nice to know _someone_ appreciates my leadership style. Are you _sure_ you don't want to join the military? We could use more people like you on our side."

"What? Coordinators?"

"No, people who appreciate my dramatic music."

~In Front of the Strike~

"Well," began Murrue, "I just wanted to thank you properly this time. I'm well aware that I put you through a great deal of hardship, and I'm truly grateful for what you've done for us. I put a lot on your shoulders, and made you give us your all. I can't thank you enough. But before I allow you to disembark, I want to try one more time to try and convince you…"

"For the last time, I'm not joining the Earth Forces!" Kira exclaimed angrily.

Murrue sighed. "No, not that. I want to convince you once and for all that absolutely _no part _of this has in _any way_ been a VIDEO GAME!" She shouted.

Kira scoffed. "Hey, don't hate the playa', hate the game," he said.

Murrue sighed once more. "I give up on you," she informed Kira, and then floated off.

~Place Where They Were Meeting With the 8th Fleet~

"Ah, we were fortunate indeed to have you with us," said the Admiral.

"Yes, yes you were," Mwu responded, flashing a winning smile.

~Conference Room Officey Thing~

"How could they resort to such extreme measures as destroying Heliopolis and Artemis, all for the sake of this lone ship and a single G-machine?" asked the gray-haired moustached man. "And Captain Ramius, could you _please_ turn off that music! It's very distracting!"

"Fine," Murrue sighed as she turned off her music. "No one appreciates my dramatic background music."

"I do!" came Kira's voice from outside the door.

"…Except for Kira, who should stop eavesdropping."

"But Captain, there are no eaves to be dropping!"

"Oh my god, Kira! If you reference Lord of the Rings _one _more time, I'll break your face!"

Everyone stared at her.

"What? He's really getting on my nerves."

~Later On~

"His parents are naturals," Ensign Badgiruel began, "they should be pretty easy to take out. If we take out his parents, he'll have nothing to go back to, so he'll join."

Everyone stared at her in abject horror.

"So…that's a no?"

~The Dorms of the Archangel~

"I would like to join the Earth Alliance Forces," Fllay said determinedly. Everyone gasped because they were shocked.

Ensign Badgiruel burst out laughing…and then stopped. "Oh, you were serious." She turned to the guy next to her. "Do we _have_ to accept everyone who volunteers?"

"Sort of, yeah," he replied.

"Damn. Well, can we eat some of our volunteers?"

"Absolutely not!"

"Damn it!"

~After Fllay Leaves~

"Well guys," Sai begins, "the way I see it, there's still a war going on, so we should probably help."

"Yeah," Miriallia started, "also, we don't want to look like sissies. I mean, _come on_! _Fllay_ joined. Fllay! No _way_ are we gonna get one-upped by her!"

~Docking Bay of That Ship That Carries Everyone to "Safety"~

"Come back, Elle," called the girl's mother. "You'll get coordinator cooties!"

"Thank you for protecting the rest of us 'til now," said Elle, offering Kira a paper flower.

"If you were really thankful, you'd give me more than some stupid flower," Kira mumbled. "I mean, thank you for this."

~Later~

"We've all decided to stay here," Sai told Kira.

"Yeah, with the military," Tolle added.

Kira gasped. "You're being deceived!"

"Umm…"

"Right, so anyways, Fllay decided to volunteer," Kuzzey explained, "so we thought we'd do the same."

"What Kuzzey here is trying to say is, all the cool kids are joining the military. You want to be cool, don't you, Kira?" Miriallia asked. "Think about it," she finished as they all floated away to help defend against the coming attack.

Authors' Note:

Kashamuffin: So, we kinda lied…there isn't really an authors' note.


	13. Phase 13: Stars Falling in Space

Disclaimer: You may have forgotten because it's been a while, but we still don't own anything.

~Battlefield~

"Starfish! LOVE ME, LOVE ME!" Athrun shouted as he put his Gundam into starfish mode (which is probably not the actual title).

~Archangel Locker Room~

Fllay continued to hug Kira as he said, "Fllay? I'm kinda busy right now and the mixed messages are kinda freaking me out, so if I could just get to my flight suit…"

"You went away, or at least, I thought you left us. So I decided, everyone's fighting except for me, even though I was the first to say I would remain, so, I decided I was going to…" she trailed off, looking towards Kira's suit.

"…You do _not_ have the figure to wear my flight suit. Just putting that out there. Plus, you don't seem like you've played many video games in your life; what chance do _you_ have on the battlefield? I guess I'll have to fight for both of us…_again_."

"Would you?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever," he said floating towards his flight suit. "So, anyways, I've been thinking about what you said, and watching a lot of Sailor Moon, and I'm never running away again…unless it's not a real fight. And I've made up my mind, this fight is real. As a Sailor Scout, it would be irresponsible of me to run from a real fight."

"Wait, what?"

"…Nothing…Shut up!" Fllay gave him an odd look. "I'm going out and fighting for both us, leave me alone! Gosh!"

"Then let me say, that I'll protect you too," Fllay said, kissing him.

There was a pause.

"You're gonna get coordinator cooties, and when you do, I'm gonna laugh!"

~Battlefield~

"Take THIS!" Dearka said, firing his gun. As the ship exploded, Dearka shouted, "BOOM! Headshot!"

"Elsman! If you insist on being stupid, turn of the com-link first!"

"…Shut up, Yzak."

"You too, Zala! I heard that 'starfish' thing earlier. What the hell?"

"…Shut up, Yzak."

~Bridge of the Archangel~

"Lieutenant LaFlaga…" Murrue said into the phone.

"It's not as if my mobile armour alone will make much of a difference, but still!" Mwu's voice said in exasperation.

"Our ship hasn't been signalled to join in yet. Please remain on standby."

"But Captain, I'm _Mwu LaFlaga_!" His voice whined.

"Lieutenant, my answer remains the same as it has been the past six times you've called to ask if you can go out. Please stop calling," she said with a tone of finality, slamming the phone down.

Mwu stared at the phone in his hand. "But… I'm Mwu LaFlaga," he said to himself in disappointed disbelief, and then went back to sulking.

~Battlefield~

"Come on, show yourself, Strike…or else…OR ELSE THIS PAIN I FEEL WILL NEVER GO AWAY!" Yzak yelled.

"You know, if you're going to be stupid you really should turn off the com-link."

"Dearka, I'm going to kill you."

Dearka laughed.

~Docking Bay of the Archangel~

"Hey, kid!" shouted Murdoch as Kira floated by.

"I'll stand by in the Strike. Still at level one battle station, right?" he asked nonchalantly as he reached the cockpit.

"…I thought we got rid of him," Murdoch said, clearly disappointed.

"I can still hear you!" Kira cried. "We coordinators have excellent hearing."

Murdoch shrugged. "I'm not taking it back."

~Bridge of the Archangel~

"According to the catalogue specs, the Strike is able to go through re-entry on its own."

"Kira, what are you –" Murrue started, surprised to see Kira once again sitting in the cockpit of the Strike.

"A coordinator. Is that a problem?" Kira asked defensively.

"You really have to stop playing the genetic manipulation card."

"Why? Because I'm a coordinator?"

Murrue sighed.

Mwu laughed. "You just don't get it, kid."

~Battlefield~

"Damn it! We're running out of time, hurry up and die already!" Dearka shouted impatiently.

"Nicol!" Athrun shouted, "Cover your ears!"

Nicol sighed and did so.

~Battlefield (except a different part)~

"The Duel!" Kira exclaimed. "Upgraded! This is gonna be so awkward…" He opened a com-link with the Duel. "So, how's it goin'? Sorry about the whole 'blowing you up' thing, but you understand, right? We're cool, yes?"

~In the Cockpit of Aegis~

"Kira!" Athrun yelled, hurt. "You cheating bastard! I thought _I_ was the only person you made awkward conversation with in the middle of battle!"

~In the Cockpit of the Buster~

"Yeah, this is definitely becoming dangerous," Dearka said with a smirk. "This is _totally_ going on my blog."

~Bridge of the Vesalius~

"Get Athrun and Nicol to pull back," said Commander LeCreuset in an authoritative tone of voice. "We don't want to seem too desperate."

"But sir," said a random green-uniformed soldier, "do you really think ZAFT should be taking dating advice from someone like you?"

Rau pulled out his gun and shot the soldier. "I could get a date anytime I wanted," he informed the corpse, along with the rest of the bridge crew, in a sulky tone of voice.

~Battlefield…_again_~

"NO!" Kira yelled as he watched the shuttle full of civilians explode.

"Haha, yes!" Yzak cheered. "Bonus points!"

"What? Bonus points? Do you think this is a game?"

"Of course not, Dearka. Who'd be stupid enough to think this is a game?"

~In the Cockpit of the Strike~

"Aw! I'm gonna lose so many points for this!" Kira wailed.

~Authors' Note~

JenWinstheQuidditch: Hello everyone! It's been a while!

Kashamuffin: Now that exams are over (EPIC-YAY!) we're going to try to write more. But, no promises, so…


	14. Phase 14: Within Endless Time

Disclaimer: Christmas came and went, yet we still don't own anything. Darn it all!

~On the Vesalius~

"Well," Rau said, cleaning his mask, "lots of things have been happening…If only someone would recap it for me, because I get ever so confused."

"You could just recap it to yourself, sir," Athrun said from across the room. "Why am I here, anyways?"

"Good idea! Wow…never thought I'd say that to _you_. Anyway, I don't actually know why you're here; I mean, I didn't invite you. You just sort of showed up… You may go now." Athrun bowed himself out of the room.

Commander LeCreuset began recapping the events that had led to this point out loud.

~ZAFT Council Room~

"I will allow Athrun Zala to present his report," Chairman Clyne said. Patrick Zala sighed, sat down, and put his head in his hands.

"Here we go again," he complained.

Athrun pulled out some folded papers from his pocket, straightened them out, cleared his throat, and began. "'My Report', by Athrun Zala. I think that the mobile suits we stole are very good. I like them a lot. I think that we should get more of them so that we can end the war more fast. If we do get more, I would like one that isn't red next time. The end." He sat back down, looking inordinately proud of himself.

Rau sighed. "If I ever recap this to myself, you're gonna look _so_ stupid," he said looking at Athrun. "Also, this will serve as a reminder to _never_ ask you for a report again."

~Rau's Office~

"It all began with one man: George Glenn," he continued musing aloud.

"Not only did he obtain his doctorate from MIT at the age of 17, but he proved himself an accomplished athlete, rising to fame as an Olympic silver medalist and star American football player. In addition, he was an ace pilot with the air forces and left behind a legacy of outstanding achievements in the field of aerospace engineering. Essentially, he was a know-it-all-good-for-nothing-jerk-wad. He was ruining the curve and making everyone else look bad, so they shot him into space, in the hopes that he would never come back.

"However, before they could get rid of him, he managed to make an announcement. He told everyone that his genes were altered early in his embryonic stage. He was even kind enough to leak his 'super-baby' recipe onto the world-wide web; or, 'the internet' as kids today call it. And thus, Coordinators were born! Using their ultra-super powers, Coordinators dedicated their lives to being better than Naturals! Unfortunately, they got jealous and there have been some minor conflicts…but overall, I think everything's working out swimmingly." Rau said sitting back and returning his mask to its rightful place: his face. "Well, that's everything important that's happened so far. Good recap, self."

Authors' Note

Kashamuffin: So it's a little short…

JenWinstheQuidditch: But _come on_, it's a recap! What did you expect?

Kashamuffin: Next one should be out soon, unless of course, I can't find JenWinstheQuidditch, or if I forget! Bonus points if you get that reference!

JenWinstheQuidditch: Speaking of obscure references, there's another one in this chapter. Super-duper bonus points if you catch it!

Note: The authors wish for you to know that neither the war, nor their authors' note, offer any redeemable bonus points.


	15. Phase 15: Respective Solitudes

Disclaimer: The stars are not in position for us to own Gundam SEED or anything else we reference. Stars. Can't own it. Not today.

~Archangel Infirmary~

"Kira! Are you alright?" Fllay asked the sleeping Kira worriedly. "He's drenched in sweat."

Miriallia looked at him to see if what Fllay said was true. "…Ew," she said, taking a few steps back. "You can take it from here."

~Place With Map~

"This is Alaska," Mwu said, pointing it out, "and this is _our_ location…and this is Australia."

"What does that have to do with anything?" Murrue asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Huh? Oh, nothing, I just know where it is," he said smiling.

Murrue sighed and put down her coffee cup. "I need caffeine to deal with you," she said, looking morosely down at her mug, "and this coffee is just terrible. I wish there was someone around this general area who could make a decent cup." She sighed. "But, really, what are the chances of that."

~Somewhere in the Desert~

Andrew Waltfeld looked up sharply. "My coffee senses are tingling! Some poor, uncaffinated soul needs my help!" he shouted, leaping up and posing heroically.

Martin DaCosta sighed. "Sir, could you _please_ try to focus on your _actual _duties?"

"This is _far_ more important than some battle!" he said, looking aghast. Then, noticing the look on DaCosta's face, he sighed and sat back down. "_Fine_."

~Archangel Infirmary~

"He may look like the rest of us, but his internal capabilities are completely different. He has a body physically capable of greater strength, and mind capable of acquiring more knowledge, and so on," the doctor said, pointing at his brain so they would know what he was talking about. "So, in summation, I would really enjoy getting a closer look at his internal organs. Wouldn't that just be the spiffiest dissection ever? Actually," he said pensively, "can I have a go at it now? In his current weakened state, he wouldn't be able to put up much of a fight…"

Kira's friends all stared at him. "No," they said in unison.

"How did you even become a doctor anyways?" Tolle asked in abject horror. "Hang on…Miriallia!" he said, excitedly turning towards her. "$20 says he's not actually a licensed doctor!"

Miriallia stared at him disbelieving…that is, until she burst out laughing. "Deal," she gasped between fits of giggles.

The doctor stared at them then pointed to a frame on the wall. "My license is hanging right there. Right next to you. Right there."

Miriallia started laughing even harder, holding her hand out to take Tolle's money yet again.

"…Damn."

"LaFlaga here; I'm coming in." He stepped in and swiftly took in the mood of the room. "Uh…is there something I should know about?"

"No, no, definitely not," the doctor said, getting to his feet.

~On the Vesalius~

"So there you are," Nichol said, floating into the room. "Both Yzak and Dearka landed on Earth safely."

"God dammit!" Athrun yelled, punching the glass in frustration.

"I know, man, I know," Nichol said bracingly. "From what I've been told they're expected to remain at the Gibraltar base for a while."

"Hmm. Well, at least that's something."

~Archangel Infirmary…Again~

"Birdie, birdie!"

"Hey birdie," Kira said tiredly looking over at his little robo-bird. "Aren't you a sight for sore eyes. Nothing could ruin this calm, peaceful – Oh God! Night troll!"

Fllay blinked. "What did you just call me?"

"…Nothing."

~Archangel Docking Bay~

"But what am I now? A delivery boy?" Mwu asked in an affronted tone of voice.

"Well Lieutenant, whoops, sorry, Commander, in your capable hands, all deliveries are guaranteed whether near or far," Murdoch said to pacify him.

"Well, _of course_, Murdoch. I'm Mwu LaFlaga, a.k.a., the greatest delivery boy that ever lived. Scratch that. The greatest _everything_ that ever lived. And you can run and tell that…homeboy."

However, Murdoch, who was by now quite used to Commander LaFlaga, was by this point ignoring him.

~Hallway of the Archangel~

"You're going to fight and fight until you die…or until you defect from the military. Whichever happens first," Fllay thought angrily on her way back to Kira's room.

~Different Hallway of the Archangel~

"Hey, isn't there something you should be doing?" asked some random military person.

Miriallia and Tolle looked at each other and shrugged. "Probably," Tolle responded. "Now as I was saying, how do you pick such good bets?" he asked, turning back to his conversation.

The random military person sighed. "Whatever."

~Shower in the Archangel~

"I'm sad…in the shower," Kira said to himself.

~Kira's Room~

"That little girl. I couldn't, I couldn't save her," Kira cried.

"Oh, Kira," Fllay said sadly. "It's not like she's the only one who died. A lot of other innocent people were on the shuttle too, you know. They're also dead because you couldn't get there in time."

Kira cried harder.

"Oh…I guess that wasn't very comforting… _I_ feel better though."

Authors' Note:

JenWinstheQuidditch: I feel like a second disclaimer may be in order. We wrote a good deal of this chapter whilst tired and having watched the bed intruder song about fifty times beforehand… So… yeah…

Kashamuffin: Yup, good times. But at least we finally wrote something after days of, "We seriously need to write our fic now…But, I mean, we can always do it later…as long as we still write it today."

JenWinstheQuidditch: Oh, and we know this chapter is kind of short, but the episode ended up being a ninja recap. Seriously, roughly half the episode was Kira remembering in excruciating detail how he fell right out of the sky and Athrun reminiscing about every single time he's spoken with Kira thusfar.

Kashamuffin: Extra note: SpongeBob and Patrick were slightly disappointed when what fell right out of the sky was Kira and not a picnic and camping supplies. Squidward laughed.


	16. Phase 16: Burning Sandstorms

Disclaimer: Really? Do you really still need this to be clarified? For the 16th time, we don't own anything. Seriously, anything. At all. Ever. Period. End of story. Finite. Incantatem.

…FLIPENDO!

~ZAFT Conglomeration~

"Now then men, may fortune smile upon every one of you," Waltfeld said solemnly, and then paused. "Except for you, Joe."

"Wha? What did I do?" protested a soldier, presumably Joe.

Waltfeld's eyes narrowed. "You insulted my coffee, soldier. A dangerous mistake to make."

DaCosta sighed.

~Hallway of the Archangel~

"Come on, can't you put it on properly?" Miriallia complained, fixing Tolle's jacket. Tolle grumbled tiredly. "If you arrived on the bridge looking like that you know you'd be yelled at by Lieutenant Badgiruel." Miriallia paused. "And if there were few enough witnesses, possibly eaten as well."

~Another Hallway of the Archangel, a Few Minutes Later~

"Fllay was in a grade behind us, but you two used to hang out with the same crowd, so we did bump into her from time to time, and Kira would go on about how cute she was" Tolle told Miriallia as they walked towards the bridge. "I just hope this situation doesn't get ugly."

There was silence for a moment, and then Miriallia stopped walking, turning to face Tolle. "$20 says this situation _does _get ugly," she said with a challenging gleam in her eye.

"Deal!"

~Bridge of the Archangel~

"Where do you get off being so relaxed! Who cares, just open the hatch, I'll take care of 'em!" Kira shouted from the cockpit of the Strike.

"Oh Kira," Miriallia said sadly. "You've been hanging out with Fllay, haven't you?"

"Well, Captain?" asked Badgiruel, turning to look at Captain Ramius.

"Well, I don't like his attitude," said Murrue. "How dare he take that tone with me?"

"Well yes, but can he _launch_?" Badgiruel asked.

Murrue sighed. "Fine, I guess so. But as soon as this battle is over, we are going to have a serious chat, young man," she said, rounding on Kira.

"Yikes! Anyway, Strike, launching!"

~Battlefield~

"Man," Kira complained as the Strike once again lost its footing. "I always hate these desert levels!" He pulled out the keyboard. "Looks like I need to redo the OS. _Again_." Kira sighed, and flexed his fingers. "Ah well, can't be helped, I suppose. Super-nerd, ACTIVATE!"

~Battlefield…a Little Later~

"Attention, pilot of this mobile suit. This is a hold-up. If you want to live, do exactly as I say."

"Wha? I don't know who you are, but I do enjoy living…" Kira mused aloud.

"That's great…Now, RESPECT MY AUTHORITY!"

~After the Battle~

Cagalli glared at the mobile suit towering above her. "I wonder how many explosives it would take…"

Authors' Note:

Kashamuffin: Some of you may be wondering why this chapter is so short. Well, goodnight!

JenWinstheQuidditch: *Waves*


	17. Phase 17: Cagalli Returns

Disclaimer: We took a long quest to find the one (actually, the many) copy right to rule them all. But sadly, Boromir had to go crazy before we could get them, so we still don't own anything.

~Cockpit of the Strike~

"Uh-oh," Kira thought as he zoomed in on Cagalli's face.

~Loading Dock of the Archangel~

"Resistance fighters?" Mwu asked, taking off his helmet.

"Hmm?" Murdoch looked back over his shoulder. "Oh, no, that's just the pizza guy."

"Actually, I meant the guys outs- Wait. There's pizza? What kind?"

"Anchovies and onions with extra cheese," Murdoch replied enthusiastically.

"…Nevermind."

~Bridge of the Archangel~

"Do they appear friendly to you captain?" Badgiruel asked.

"Well, I don't see them pointing any weapons at us. That girl over there looks pretty angry, though…" she paused. "Let's at least show some courtesy and talk with them; they seem open to it. If we're fortunate, this could really work in our favour."

"Yeah, and if doesn't, we could always eat them."

"Lieutenant Badgiruel!" Murrue yelled. "What have I told about eating people?"

"What? We're low on supplies!"

~About to Exit the Archangel~

"Man, oh, man. " Mwu said, putting away his gun. "I know a thing or two about guns," he said pointing to his holster, "and that's a gun!" Then noticing the weird looks he was getting, he decided it may be best to change the subject. "I gotta be honest and say these guerrillas look a little shady to me."

Murrue raised an eyebrow. "I have been around gorillas, believe you me, but these people don't look at all like gorillas!"

"So glad we can have such confidence in our leadership," sighed a random soldier.

"Thank you!" Murrue and Mwu replied in unison.

"Anyways," Mwu said, turning the conversation back to relevant issues, "I guess I should warn you I'm not too good in these sticky situations."

"What?" Murrue yelled. "We were relying on you! You wrote three different books detailing your experiences with rebel guerrilla soldiers!"

"Books can be misleading," Mwu replied testily.

Murrue narrowed her eyes. "You never did any of those things, did you?"

Mwu, seeking a quick escape from the conversation, decided that then was as good a time as any to charge out of the ship.

Murrue sighed.

~Outside of the Archangel~

"The reason we were fighting was not necessarily to save you," Desert Dawn dude said.

"That must be because you didn't know _I_ was here," Mwu said, smiling knowingly. "But, it's okay. To err is human; to forgive-" He didn't get to finish as Murrue had just hit him in the back of the head.

"I recognize you, but I cannot say how, or from where," Desert Dawn dude said, turning to face Mwu.

"My name is Mwu LaFlaga. I'm the king of the ship. I'm better than everybody on the ship. I'm hip and I'm awesome; all the girls know my name. Mwu mwu mwu, LaFla ga ga ga – OW! Again, really? What was that for?"

Murrue sighed and made a mental note to update the parental controls on Mwu's internet.

"I never expected to meet the Hawk of Endymion in a place such as this," Desert Dawn dude said.

"You strike me as someone very well informed. Do you also know about us?" Murrue asked.

"Please Murrue," Mwu started, rather condescendingly. "He only knows about important things, like me." He winked roguishly at the crowd of rebels.

"No, actually, I do. You were the crew of the Earth forces' new assault ship, the Archangel, yes? You descended to Earth to escape LeCreuset's team. And that machine of yours is-"

"X105–Strike," Cagalli interrupted.

"Now, Cagalli," Desert Dawn dude began, sounding rather irked, "you know it's rude to interrupt when the grownups are talking."

"Bitch, please!"

~A Little Later~

"Can we count on your complete cooperation?" Captain Ramius asked hopefully.

"No," said a random rebel in the back.

"No one asked you, Jefferey," Desert Dawn dude said angrily. "Anyways, if you're serious about talking you should lower your guns first."

"I would if I could, man, but it's out of my hands. This gun show is always open. BOOM! BOOM!" said a random, very ripped, soldier of the Earth forces, flexing his muscles.

~After Kira Comes~

After flashing back to that one time when he met Cagalli and realized he was a she after all. "That's right, you're a girl!" Kira exclaimed proudly.

Cagalli twitched, presumably out of anger. "Imma cut you. Also, LET GO OF ME, YOU JERK!"

After a brief struggle, which resulted in Kira getting hit in the face, Kira ran off and hid behind Captain Ramius. "Captain, Cagalli hit me!" Kira cried.

"Kira invaded my personal bubble!"

Murrue sighed.

~ZAFT… um… Place. PRESUMABLY IN THE DESERT!~

"Unfortunately, we were unable to destroy neither the Legged Ship nor the Strike," Commander LeCreuset said solemnly over what the authors can only assume is Skype.

Yzak and Dearka looked at each other. "So… you destroyed them both?" asked Dearka, confused.

"What? No, neither!" LeCreuset replied, feeling vaguely annoyed that his subordinates had apparently been ignoring him.

"Oh, sorry sir, I guess I was just thrown off by your inappropriate use of a double negative," Dearka replied, shrugging.

Yzak laughed. "Geez Dearka, I didn't realize our commander was a natural!"

LeCreuset frowned. "You know what, just for that, the two of you are going to be sticking around the Gibraltar base for _quite some time_."

"Aww!"

~On the Way to the Rebel Base~

"You're good, you're good, you're good," Kira said as they hit another rock on their way in.

"Kira, stop that! Worst. Lookout. Ever," Murrue complained.

Kira smiled brightly. "Don't worry, Captain. We'll buff out those scratches later."

Murrue sighed.

~Rebel Base~

"You're forced to live in this sort of place?" Mwu asked incredulously, looking around the room.

"This, would be our home," Desert Dawn dude said slightly offended.

Mwu paused, seemingly realizing that he had made an unintentional social gaffe. "…Oh, and it is _lovely_! Just beautiful! You know, you are quite the decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget," He paused, looking at the wall. "I like that wall. That is a nice wall."

Murrue sighed.

~A Little Later~

"Who's she?" Mwu asked, looking over at the scary blonde girl.

"Too young for you," Desert Dawn dude responded, glaring over his coffee.

"Not what I meant!"

~Outside Rebel Base~

"In war you never know who will go next," Miriallia said sadly.

"Yeah, but $20 says it's Kuzzey," Tolle said nonchalantly.

"Kuzzey? Really? He's more likely to leave the military before he dies. You know what? $20 says _you_ die before Kuzzey."

Tolle looked appalled. "Deal!"

~Feeding Time at the Rebel Base~

"Hey, Cagalli," Ahmed called out, "what are you up to now? Have some food!"

"I will, but not wit' you foo'!"

"...Aw."

~In Front of the Archangel~

"This has everything to do with him!" exclaimed Fllay, clinging to Kira's arm. "Have you ever noticed that Tolle and Miriallia's eye colours match? That's what makes them such a great couple! Kira and I are meant to be!" Fllay's eyes narrowed at Sai's disbelieving expression. "Besides... I spent last night all alone with Kira, get it!"

Sai looked flabbergasted. Cagalli wondered to herself why she always picked the most awkward conversations to listen in on.

They fought for a while. There was a lot of angst. When Kira and Fllay tried to return to the Archangel, Sai, shocked and embarrassed at the thought of Fllay spending a night with Kira, attacked.

"Leeroooooooooy Jenkinssss!" Unfortunately, Sai missed completely. "At least I got chicken," Sai muttered. He then left with the intention of getting some chicken. Cagalli stayed where she was, trying to smother her laughter.

"Nerd," she muttered derisively to herself.

Kira watched bemusedly as Sai departed, then turned to Fllay. "Yeah, about that. Next time we're up late playing cards, go back to your own bed. You hog the covers. And kick." Fllay looked at him with crazed anger.

~In a Neighbouring Town~

People were running and screaming. There were lots of explosions. The cool guys weren't looking at them.

~Authors' Note~

Kashamuffin: Look! A chapter! We're totally good at updating!

JenWinstheQuidditch: What? A ridiculously long period of time between posting chapters? Surely you must be mistaking us with some other authors.


	18. Phase 18: Payback

Disclaimer: Another birthday has come and gone and I still haven't received the copyright to Gundam SEED or anything else. Maybe next year, JenWinstheQuidditch will get it for me…or I could try to get it for her, but that might take effort.

~Behind That There Rock~

All the villagers looked on in horror as their town was being destroyed by giant dog-robot-things. Well, all except for one.

"Whoa. This is totally awes- I mean….bad. Those robot things are _definitely_ not badass at all… And those explosions? Not cool. Fire is so last year anyways…" said a random villager.

The rest of the villagers glared. "Shut up, Alan. We have no use for your pyromania right now."

~Desert Dawn Base~

"If there's one thing about the Desert Tiger, it's that he's not known to be needlessly violent. But, of course, it's not as if I'm personally acquainted with the guy," Mwu started. "Although, there was that one time in Vegas…but what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas, damn it!"

"I don't know what happened in Vegas, nor do I want to," Murrue said, glaring suspiciously at Mwu. "Whatever it was, I'm going to assume it was terrible so go into battle with the Desert Dawn people. If you're smart then you won't come back."

"You _know _you want me to come back. I mean, come one. I'm Mwu LaFlaga."

Murrue sighed.

~Desert Dawn Base (While They're Heading Out)~

Cagalli ran out after picking out her favourite weapon only to find that all the cars were already pulling out.

"Oh no they didn'," Cagalli thought, z-snapping angrily.

Ahmed pulled up in another jeep. "Cagalli, hop in."

"Damn straight, bitch."

~Outside Archangel~

"Fllay," Sai shouted, grabbing her shoulder. Fllay glared and then ran off to follow Kira. "She narrowed her eyes at me," Sai exclaimed in anguished disbelief. "You pathetic fool."

"Wait," started a random desert dawn guy. "Who's pathetic? The pilot or the girl?"

"I was talking about myself."

"Wow, that makes more sense. You should really work on that self-esteem of yours."

"Okay, you know what, who invited you?"

"Well, no one _invited_ me. I've just kinda been here the whole time. It's not like you guys went to any trouble to find somewhere private for your confrontation. Anyways, cheer up, emo kid!"

Sai sighed.

~In the Car Heading Towards the Village~

"No, the town," Cagalli said sadly.

"What about the people?" Ahmed asked. Cagalli turned to him.

"Who cares about the people?"

"I do."

"Well _I _don't."

Everything stopped. Ahmed gasped.

"_Cagalli_!"

~Outside the Burning Village~

"This is likely payback for what you did to their forces last night. I have to say it's pretty generous for the Tiger to let you off with something as relatively minor as this," Mwu stated, surveying the damage.

"You're kidding me!" Cagalli raged, getting all up in Mwu's grill. "You call this minor?"

"In the middle of a war? Yes."

Cagalli finished yelling and stormed off. Mwu sighed and looked back at what he assumed would be his crowd of adoring fans. Much to his surprise, they were all glaring at him. Including Ensign Badgiruel, who was giving him one of those, 'Wow, you really are an idiot' looks.

"Aww!"

~That Place…In the Desert…With Those People~

"Here, dry those tears," Ensign Badgiruel said, placing her hat on the weeping boy's head. "Ah, I know, I've got just the thing for you," she said, handing him a food bar…thing. "Look, it's yummy! It's made with civilian! Delicious, delicious, civilian. It's good, and good for you!" She looked around, noticing all the weird looks she was getting from the villagers. "_What_? I'm helping!"

Some random guy stepped forward. "Maybe you should stay away from the children..."

~Cockpit of the Strike~

"Kira, prepare the Strike for launch," said Miriallia's voice over the com-link.

"FINALLY!" Kira cheered.

"Wait…have you been there all night?"

"Yeah, I'm _so _bored! I can't play tic-tact-toe by myself _forever_!"

"Um…right."

~In the ZAFT Brand Jeep~

"Can't we go a little faster than this," DaCosta complained.

"You're eager to get back quickly, is that it?" Waltfeld replied, lazily.

"At the speed we're going, they'll catch up to us!"

"Then we're meant to meet. It's fate. I should know, my horoscope this morning said that I should expect a violent encounter."

"Sir, surely you don't put that much stock into what those say?"

"Well of course I do. What else would I base my battle strategies on?"

"That seems incredibly reckless, sir."

"_Who's _ the captain here?"

DaCosta sighed.

~In the Midst of Battle~

"Ahmed!" Cagalli cried. "Ahmed, look at me!"

"Cagalli, to me, you are the-" Ahmed tried to say. Unfortunately, he died half way through the sentence.

"You have to pull through, c'mon! I can't stand it when people leave sentences unfinished! It's so annoying!" Cagalli raged sadly.

~In the Cockpit of That ZAFT Baku~

"Gimme a break!" exclaimed the soldier currently fighting Kira. Just then, he heard the voice of one of his comrades over the com-link.

"Gimme a break, break me off a piece of that Kit-Kat bar!"

"Really, Harold? Really?"

~After the Battle~

Kira slapped Cagalli. _In the face_. Cagalli stared at him in stunned disbelief for a minute before running to Kisaka, crying, "Kisaka, Kira _hit_ me!"

"Cagalli invaded my personal bubble," sulked Kira.

Kisaka sighed.

Authors' Note:

JenWinstheQuidditch: So, we realize that it's been quite a while since we've updated this thing.

Kashamuffin: As compensation, here's a sample of how we've been spending our time:

Gundam SEED: Poo LaFlaga, Rau LePooseut, Murpoo Ramius, Ensign Badgirpoo, Andrew Waltfart, Yzak Pooule

Harry Potter: Harry Pootter, Lord Voldemerde, Peter Pettipoo, Sir Nicholas DeMimsy Poopington, Remus Poopin, Nympoodora Tonks, Gilderoy Lockfart, Poocy Weasley, Helga Hufflepoo, Aberfart Dumbledoodoo, Albus Dumbledoodoo, Poobeus Hagrid, Poocious Malfoy, Pootunia Dursley, ect. (Trust us, there are a LOT for Harry Potter)

Other: InuYapoo, Miropoo, Setspoona F. Seiei, Poomeragi, Poofasa, Poolan, Poomiere, Kim Poossible, Vladimir Pootin, Raspootin, and you know what, there were a lot that we can't think of right now.

JenWinstheQuidditch: So as you can plainly see, our time was well spent. Our comedic wit knows no bounds.

Kashamuffin: We write our jokes with such subtlety, it amazes even me.


	19. Phase 19: Fangs of the Enemy

Disclaimer: We don't own Gundam SEED or anything else we reference. We asked our guest author, PikachutheConqueror, but she doesn't own anything either. So, she's pretty much useless.

~That City Where the Desert Tiger's Base Is~

"And there you have it. That is the real ruler of the city," Cagalli said, pointing at the giant spaceship that was parked right in the middle of the city.

"Well," Kira started, "I can see how I missed it. It's really inconspicuous and unobtrusive."

"Your sarcasm is unappreciated."

"Sarcasm? I'm being serious. He clearly made an effort to not disrupt the daily activity of the city. I mean, look! He even used sand colour to blend in with the local décor! That's real courtesy."

Cagalli punched him.

~Archangel Docking Bay~

"But isn't that girl a total doucheba –I mean, Sai's girlfriend?" Murrue asked looking down at Flay. "Am I wrong? Is she really hitting it off with Kira?"

"You surprised? Of course you are! People with ordinary minds such as yourself could never hope to understand the complexities of teenage romance," Mwu said condescendingly.

Murrue sighed.

~Hallway of the Archangel~

"Any ideas on how we might deal with this problem?" Murrue asked. "You have more experience."

"It's true; my romantic conquests are many and varied," Mwu said, winking suggestively.

Murrue sighed.

~Bridge of the Archangel~

Meanwhile, Sai was day dreaming about a time when Flay liked him well enough.

"Flay used to hug _me_, and now she hugs _Kira_!" Sai angsted.

~Random Hallway in the Archangel~

"What's wrong?" Tolle asked, walking up to Miriallia.

"Oh, I'm just having a little trouble relaxing. It's hard to without Kira around."

"What? I'm ten times the man Kira will ever be!"

"That's nice, but I'm already dating you," Miriallia said, patting Tolle on the shoulder.

"Oh, yeah," Tolle said, relieved.

~Water Dude's Place in the City Where the Desert Tiger Is~

"Before we start negotiating, let me just say some things. First, I hate you and everything you represent. Second, we have no water and are in no position to refuse any offer you make." Desert Dawn Dude smiled and mentally congratulated himself on being such a great businessman.

Ensign Badgiruel stared at him incredulously.

"Seeing as you're my kinsmen, I have no choice but to help you out even though I could basically make you do whatever I want, seeing as I have a convenient monopoly over water. Ahon hon hon," laughed the water man as he mentally congratulated himself on being such a good businessman.

~Restaurant in the city where the Desert Tiger is~

"Well, I'd have to apologise for that," said Waltfeld, gesturing at Kira's ruined kebob.

"Actually, no, the mixture of the two isn't bad," said Kira, choking down the chili and yogurt sauce. "In fact, I'd say this is a perfect representation of how naturals and coordinators can cooperate peacefully – all the time! So, the war can end now. And I can stop being the tragic hero who always has to save everyone in my Gundam. Although, that video game is still pretty cool."

"I _know_, right?" said Waltfeld, glad to have found a kindred spirit at last.

Cagalli punched them.

Just then, some guys started shooting them.

"For the preservation of our blue and pure world!" one of them shouted.

"For the promotion of elfish welfare!" cried another.

Then Kira saved them all.

"Well m'boy, you saved my life. How can I thank you?"

"Perfect," said Cagalli, "This is the chance we've been waiting for! Could you let the rebels win and leave this ci – "

"Actually," cut in Kira, "I've always - and by always I mean since I found out she was a girl – wondered what Cagalli would look like in a dress."

Cagalli punched him.

"What? It would save people the confusion!"

~Underneath the Place Where the Deal Goes Down~

"Here, Kisaka," Desert Dawn Dude said, showing him the bill.

"I assume you accept Earth dollars, is that correct?" Kisaka asked.

"How are they paying for this?" asked a random soldier.

~Meanwhile, In Orb~

"WHAT? She's lost! How is she spending this much money?" asked Cagalli's father.

"Maybe she's buying dresses for herself?" suggested Myrna hopefully.

Cagalli's father rounded on her. "Have you MET my daughter?"

"Actually," Myrna retorted, "I raised her."

"Touché."

~In the Den of the Desert Tiger/His House~

"I have great confidence that the coffee I prepare is first rate." Waltfeld assured a nervous Kira.

"Uh…Murrue says I'm not allowed coffee anymore….not after the last time…"

Waltfeld raised an eyebrow. "I also have decaf."

They then discussed the whale stone.

"On to more pressing matters: what's your assessment of this coffee?"

Kira grinned at him. "I don't think decaf makes a difference."

~In Waltfeld's Awesome Wife's Room~

"Wow," said Waltfeld's Awesome Wife, "It sure is a good thing you're exactly my size. Who'd have thought? Anyway, what do you think of this one?" She held up a blue dress with a dumb frilly thing on it.

"Ummm," said Cagalli. "I'm not really a fan of blue."

Waltfeld's Awesome Wife frowned. "I see."

She took the dress, went into the closet, and returned with the exact same dress a minute later. But something about it was different…

"What?" Cagalli cried. "Why is it green?"

~On the bridge of the Archangel~

"What did you say?" cried Murrue. "Kira and Cagalli haven't returned yet?"

Curly-haired guy with glasses grunted.

Guy who looks sorta like Spock grunted.

Kinda fat guy grunted.

Sai...grunted.

"Guys, this isn't the time for a grunting contest!" yelled Murrue. "Try to be serious!"

Sai sighed.

~Back in the Den Thingy of the Desert Tiger~

"What do you think needs to be done in order for this war to finally end?" Waltfeld asked Kira. "Give me your opinion as a mobile suit pilot."

"Hey, how would you know about that?" asked Cagalli.

"Well," said Kira thoughtfully, "I suppose the easiest way would be to just kill everyone involved…."

The other two just stared at him.

"No, wait, I've got it: Cheat Codes!" Kira punched the air in triumph.

Waltfeld shook his head. "Wow…..I've been thinking the same thing!" They high-fived coordinator style.

"Are all coordinators this stupid?" asked Cagalli incredulously. "Because if they are, I can't believe we're losing to them…"

"No, it's just that not all coordinators are as AWESOME as we are," Waltfeld said pointedly, high-fiving Kira again.

Cagalli punched them both.

~Confrontation with Desert Tiger~

Waltfeld smiled while pointing his gun away from Kira and Cagalli.

"It actually makes you wonder if there's no other option but for one us to be destroyed."

"Shot not!" shouted Kira.

~Mobile suit hanger~

Sai tried to pilot Kira's mobile suit, but with extremely limited success. "If I can be a hero like Kira, Flay will want to hug _me_ again, instead of that Kira guy!"

"Yeah, because that's a feasible plan…" muttered Murdoch.

Sai sighed…and then cried.

Authors' Note:

PikachutheConqueror: Well, that was fun!

Kashamuffin: I liked the part where PikachutheConqueror stopped moving!

JenWintheQuidditch: …Let's do it again (sometime)!

PikachutheConqueror: Yes, because I actually live in another country. But fear not! I will criticize from afar…I mean, support you. Yeah.

Kashamuffin: Just as we will criticize your typing…I mean, support your endeavors. Yeah.

JenWinstheQuidditch: In the true spirit of Christmas.

Merry HappyFunTime everyone!


	20. Phase 20: On a Calm Day

Disclaimer: We took a huge giant break from writing to try to obtain Gundam SEED and everything else we reference. Sadly, we actually got super distracted right at the beginning, because that's how it is. So, long story short, we still don't own anything.

~Outside Lacus' House~

Athrun glanced down at the flowers he was bringing to Lacus and smiled to himself. _"Aw yeah. Athrun Zala: Ladies' Man_._"_

~In Lacus' Entrance Place~

Athrun looked down at the haro swarm in terror. "Uhh... I hope you don't mind me asking, but what's with these haros?"

"It's just their way of welcoming our guest," Lacus replied, looking up from her flowers.

"I don't know; doesn't it seem a little excessive?"

Lacus stopped and glared at him. "If you think it's so excessive why did _you_ program them that way?"

"...Wow. What a nice hallway you have," Athrun said, congratulating himself on his smooth recovery.

Lacus sighed.

~Lacus' Garden Area~

"Why don't we make it a moustache today?" Lacus said, picking up the white marker.

"Wait a second," Athrun started, aghast, "you _draw_ on the haros? The haros I made specially for you? Those are sophisticated pieces of robotic technology; I didn't give you them so you could _vandalize_ them!"

"Oh Athrun, _relax_! You worry too much."

"No, I worry _exactly_ the right amount! Why do you have a secret vandalizing marker compartment in your table anyways?"

Lacus smiled sweetly. "It's better if you don't know."

~A Little While Later~

"And the two you of you have been friends for a long time, since you were kids?" Lacus asked, holding some crumbs out for the birds.

"Yes, that's right. Since we were about four or five years old," Athrun started, angstily reminiscing. "We were living on the moon during those years. We were whalers. On the moon. We carried harpoons, but there weren't actually any whales so we mostly just told tall tales and sang our whaling tune."

"Uhh... Are you being serious right now?"

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"No reason."

"Anyways, it all changed when the fire nation attacked."

"...You need to stop watching so much television..."

"We'll just have to agree to disagree then. The point is, Kira didn't come to the PLANTS. Typical Kira," Athrun muttered darkly.

"I had a discussion with him about Haro and he told me that it sounded like you really hadn't changed one bit. It seemed to put him in a much more cheerful mood. Birdie; that was something else you made and it was meant especially for him. From what I could gather, he was taking very good care of it."

"What? Birdie? Kira still has it?"

"Yes, I saw him many times with it on his shoulder," she said smiling.

~Flashback to the Archangel~

Kira walked into the room, Birdie perched on his shoulder, chirping happily.

"So," he started, "you said Athrun made you that Haro, right?"

"Yes, why?"

"Have you learned how to shut it up? The chirping is starting to bother the crew!"

Lacus let out a half-crazed laugh. "You think if _I_ knew Haro would still be talking?"

~Back to the Present~

"Is that so," Athun said thoughfully. "It was only supposed to last a year; two max! It was specifically designed that way so he'd have to stay friends with me!"

Lacus narrowed her eyes, "Then why do all of the haros still work?"

"...This tea is _amazing_!" Athrun said, congratulating himself on continuing his streak of smooth recoveries.

~Nicol's House~

"Zala understands, it-" Nicol's dad started to say.

Nicol burst out laughing before noticing the strange looks his parents were giving him.

"Oh. You mean _Chairman_ Zala."

~In the Board Room~

"Operation Spitball," said the currently standing council member.

"That's kinda immature, don't you think?" asked some guy.

"Yeah," agreed another council member. "We should try to make it sound more tough."

"Uh... Operation Spit...Break?" the standing council member suggested.

"Oh, I like that!" said a random council member.

"Me too; it makes us sound cool!" said some guy.

"He's not even a council member!"

"Wait," the standing man said, turning to look at him, "do you even work here?"

"No, I just have a lot of feelings about operation names," the guy said, looking at his feet.

"...Go home."

~Rau LeCrueset's House~

LeCreuset groaned and reached for his pill bottle.

"Need tic-tac. Breath. So. Putrid."

~Lacus' Doorway Again~

Athrun leant in to kiss Lacus...on the cheek.

"_Aw yeah, such a ladies' man"_, thought Athrun.

~Kira's Room~

"Kira? What's this? What are you doing in the dark?" Fllay said, turning on the lights.

"Contemplating the contradiction of my existence," said Kira angstily.

Fllay rolled her eyes. "Oh, shut up and let me hit on you."

"Ugh! No one understands me," Kira complained, storming out.

Authors' Note:

PikachutheConqueror: So, apparently, these two have become incapable of posting a chapter without me.

Kashamuffin: Not at all! We merely were preoccupied with things and stuff and... JenWinstheQuidditch, explain!

JenWinstheQuidditch: The stars were not in position to update this fic! Stars! Couldn't write it! ...Not this past year and a half!


	21. Phase 21: Beyond the Clouds of Sand

Disclaimer: You know what the word disclaimer sounds like? Disk Lemur. Yeah. Take a moment to appreciate that grade-A witticism. We own that joke. You know what we _don't_ own? Basically anything else.

~Waltfeld's Office~

"I don't like the fact that they're from the LeCreuset team. I could never stand that guy," DaCosta said darkly.

"Don't even get me _started_ on LeCreuset! Did you know he murdered one of my best friends for telling him that he was a laughing stock?" Waltfeld asked sadly. "He totally _is_, too. Why else would he hide his face in shame behind that mask?"

"Sir?" DaCosta asked, clearly confused. "I really don't think that's why-"

"Shut up, DaCosta, no one asked you."

~In the Middle of the Desert~

"What are we doing in this awful place?" Dearka whined.

"They say you can't really appreciate the desert until you've lived here," Waltfeld said, walking up to them.

"Uhh…" Dearka gaped, looking at him. "You may have misheard me because…of…the wind. What I was just saying was, 'What are we doing in this _artful_ place?' Right Yzak?"

Yzak ignored him, choosing not to dignify that with a response.

"Right, well," Waltfeld said, moving on through introductions. "It must have been tough getting down here. We appreciate you coming."

"We _definitely_ didn't just spend the last hour bitching about how ZAFT sent us you guys instead of anything useful," DaCosta added.

"What a coincidence," Dearka started cheerfully. "We _definitely_ didn't just spend the last hour bitching about having to spend time in the desert."

"Good that we're all on the same page," Waltfeld said happily. "Now, onto more pressing matters; who wants coffee?"

~Refugee JEEP~

"What's that?" Kisaka asked looking at the stone in Cagalli's hand.

"It's a rock, foo'," Cagalli replied.

Kisaka sighed. He was not paid enough to deal with this.

~Desert Tiger's Base~

"I hoped that they would wait a little bit longer," Waltfeld said, looking at the screen. "Can't change that."

"Aren't we attacking?" Yzak quasi-yelled.

"What?" Waltfeld looked surprised. "Why would we do that?"

"Uh, gee, I don't know. Maybe because it's our enemy?"

"You know, the sass is really not appreciated."

"Fine. I'll just report this to ZAFT. I mean, we could always use another laughing stock…" Yzak trailed off as he started walking away.

"Wait," Waltfeld cried. "We'll attack them, okay? I can't end up like LeCreuset!"

"That's what I thought."

~Archangel Cafeteria~

Kira sighed. _"Even my spork can't cheer me up today."_

"What's taking you so long?" Mwu asked. "Hurry up and eat. Here, take this too," he said dropping some shawarma on Kira's tray.

"What the-"

"Mmm, mmm, mmm. Believe me, nothing beats fresh local eats."

"Uhh, Commander? Haven't you had enough to eat?"

Mwu stopped smiling. "Um, excuse you. I was just trying to be friendly." He collected his tray and stormed out of the cafeteria.

Just then, the Archangel was attacked.

~Archangel Docking Bay~

"That's right," Mwu said seriously into the speaker, "Launcher on the first machine and Sword on the second one. I'll tell you why! Because Santa Clause is coming to town! Also, it's quicker for me to change aircrafts than reequip. Mainly the Santa thing though…"

~Archangel Command Centre~

"Captain!" Badgiruel called. "Permission to use the Lohengrin?"

"Denied," Murrue responded turning around, angrily in her chair. "There's too much risk of contaminating the environment."

"…Permission to use Silver Crystal Power?"

"The power of love and friendship?" Murrue asked.

"Yes."

"_Denied_!"

~Archangel Docking Bay~

Murdoch watched as Cagalli started to fly the plane out. "Aw come on!" He shook an angry fist in the air. "Kids these days what with their stealing military technology. When I was their age, we had respect!"

Author's Note:

JenWinstheQuidditch: Please do not assume that these two chapters coming out so quickly is a sign that we're going to start updating regularly again. Well, I mean, I guess you can if you really want to…

Kashamuffin: I don't know how to word anymore, so…here you go.


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